Drowned

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Impressive new anti-theft lifevest policy in place beside the lake here at Hampton Pines Park, North Lauderdale, Florida. If you spot somebody drowning, you are no longer able just to open the white tub and toss them one. Now you must run back to the park entrance and find the park keeper, who will telephone his supervisor and ask for the key to the padlock to be brought over. When he does, you have to tell parkie where you saw the drowning person then he will return with you to the tub and open the lock. Unfortunately by the time all this has happened, the victim will have drowned. But at least you can be happy that you have followed the correct procedure and that no lifevests will have been stolen.

Dear Grandma

Congratulations to Granny Gloria. You were always my favourite, even though I might never have shown it. I realise now we put you in the nursing home at far too early an age, but it was my brothers who decided that, not me. I’m sorry I never called or visited but I promise that’s about to change. I’ll be the best grandson you ever had. If you ever need your bunion pads swapped out or your colostomy bag changing, I’m your boy. I’ll do it with a smile on my face, I swear. I can smuggle you in your favourite gin too, you just need to say the word. Granny Gloria, I never meant those horrid things I said about you being old and grey and wrinkly… I know now they were hurtful comments and that nothing could be further from the truth. Dear Granny, I love you forever. From your adoring grandson, Richard.

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